I bought a puppy! 🐶
The cognitive dissonance I was experiencing kept telling me that I might be overreacting.
Hello friend,
I wanted to be a responsible, informed consumer. We were purchasing a family pet after an adoption ended badly. I kept asking the right questions, and despite the stacked crates, filth and very little outdoor space, the breeder insisted she wasn't running a puppy mill.
The cognitive dissonance I was experiencing kept telling me that I might be overreacting. The breeder told me she knew puppy mills and backyard breeders choose profit over animal welfare. Of course, she insisted some breeders are also motivated only by money. She told me her animals receive proper veterinary care, and she was deeply committed to the well-being of each of her dogs.
Looking in from the outside, my flawed human heart seemed to accept this faux "how can this be?…" version she invented. She had the gift of offering an image that hijacked my brain. My childish mind reluctantly accepted her version of this horrific environment as reality.
It's hard to resist an adorable puppy. And, it is hard to stand up to a narcissistic con.
Being controlled my entire life caused traumas that had a powerful way of unifying monologues that paralyzed me. Magnetically friendly people created emotional imprisonment. Nothing made much sense intuitively.
I had an intensely curious mind and dreamed of being bold– but truth-seeking could never have been tolerated. But in my mind, I was just a brave truthseeker, going against the mainstream. It took me years to realize this was not an intrinsic part of my nature but something I had developed in an attempt to survive. Later, I was often labelled mysterious and secretive. Another characteristic of trauma life is the absence of authentic self-expression.
That's the thing about our traumas. Beautifully packaged to look like something quite different from the outside. It's uncomfortable and easy to get caught up in a sticky web of half-truths and misinformation. When people figure out why they were bought into relationships, their whole lives are committed to serving the lies.
Tragically misguided when the facts clash with preexisting convictions. Human beings are deeply unwilling to change their minds. Some people would sooner jeopardize their mental health than accept new information or admit being wrong.
Here I am, still trying to figure it all out. I am unpacking this at 49 years old.
The puppy mill lady and many others taught me I don't need to justify the wisdom of my choices. Or find reasons to dismiss the harsh alternative to escape the possibility that I might have to give something up.
I have repeated this pattern with relationships, money, food, and alcohol and now see the importance of healing more than ever.
Why do we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts?
I embraced some of the scariest parts imaginable - theories I now realize were rooted in a lifetime of trauma recovery.
It’s a confusing time to be human.
Hang in there.
If you have found yourself curious and seeking lessons on boundaries, truth-telling, self-compassion, courage, money love, body love, vulnerability and more.
Let's talk about it.
Only Love,
PS. The puppy is now a senior dog in excellent health and has brought so much love to our family.