addiction story

high @ five

It's horrible to see smoke pouring from the wounds in your own life. Looking back, the origin story of my addiction goes farther than I remember and most likely landed in generations long before me. The human story is the story which brought humans together ever since we've been humans. Behold, part one of my addiction story.

When I was five, I lived life high.

Hooked on cookies and cake, showing up in my brain like cocaine.

My heart raced, and my jittery body twitched but had no off switch.

I felt like I lived inside a trampoline park. That uncomfortable moment when you know you have lost control and the swing has swung too high, and the only way out is to fall off hard.

It was always the same day after day. I believed it was me and all the labels they slapped on: disobedient, slow learner, hyperactive, out of control, not that bright, dumb little kid.

I did get good at something - the skill of finding ways to escape my body. The sugar drug was my first choice, and my creeping hunger for more grew legs.

I can't remember my first smoke, but I was probably eight. The freaky feeling of nicotine flooding my brain was pure bliss. It started with butts, then stealing full smokes, and the whole pack status blew up beautifully into a full-time underage crime. Smoking at school gave credit to the crew that mattered. Marrying it with booze made sense. The taste of beer had already pleased my senses sipping stubbies in the summer heat as far back as I can remember - the adults always laughed while watching a toddler finishing every disgusting drop in a case of empties. At twelve, I drank often. I remember the delicious relief from life. I was no longer out of control, but addiction remained my way out. An entire body buzz, head to toe, pulsing pleasure between my legs, the thrill of being tuned out and turned on.

~

Taming my addictions required the hard truth of being impacted by difficult circumstances, not defined by them. And, it didn't happen for decades. As I will share in part two, my life became increasingly unmoored. The reasons for this are complex and complicated to understand. Attachment theory Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned addiction expert, calls for a compassionate approach toward addiction, whether in ourselves or others. Dr. Maté believes that the source of addictions is not to be found in genes but in the early childhood environment. 

Childhood trauma was the template for my addiction—any addiction. All my addictions were attempts to escape the deep despair of my painful childhood.

Psychedelics have shown me how incredible it is to witness myself grappling and seeing my trauma unearthed into my own hands—bringing awareness to what those thoughts meant, their impact on my entire system and the power of recognizing something new. That is part of what drugs are for people—they are not only for retreat, for safety. However, that is not the only essential element. We need spaces for people to feel "safe" within themselves. Safe to speak, safe to explore, safe to contradict. Safe to be human. But of course, I never want that determined by someone other than you… Your recovery must be yours to know you are engaged in a trust fall with yourself.

I'll be here,

Resources

1. Trauma is not restricted to horrific experiences. It refers to any events that, over time, impose more pain on the child than his or her sensitive organism can process and discharge. Therefore, trauma can occur when bad things happen and in response to a sensitive child's emotional need to be seen, held, heard, validated, and made to feel secure. 

2. Psychedelic Recovery is about awakening: illuminating darkness, alchemizing suffering into power. Join the Psychedelic Recovery community online, link in their bio. Follow @psychedelicrecoveryorg 

3. What we eat is essential, but it is not the only way we recover from addiction. There is A LOT of science about all kinds of addiction, except processed food addiction and trauma. Sonja Irina Johansen helped me peel back the curtain and apply techniques, tips, and knowledge that helped guide me out of the maze of food obsession.

4. Trauma responses manifest in different ways. If you have been exploring grief and trauma work, check out the Psychedelics and Trauma Summit on September 25, some of the leading voices, perspectives, and tools for navigating trauma. @doubleblindmag

5. Returning to Instagram brings along some uninvited guests. Drug scammers, exes, and awful trolls are removed at my discretion. If you have drug plugs in your DM's selling products or services, please ignore/report. Follow this link for safe sources and recommendations. All good for now? 😉