Looking back, [I was] most likely harebrained in all avenues of my barely tolerable life. Not a super mom or a trophy wife. For most of my adult years, I was reckless - a careless driver, thoughtless spender, oblivious overeater.
Growing up as a hyperactive child, I became an impulsive hotheaded teenager. Lived through channelling the erratic impassioned outrage into unhealthy adult outlets, my most painful moments were laced with the constant urge to decapitate myself or at least escape my body – like that way too drunk feeling just praying to be sober.
Nothing could shake the feeling that this wasn't "normal." There was no way to shrug away the glitchy feeling, and in my innocence, in my bewilderment, I thought there had to be something out there or someone that could dispel my disillusionment.
They say you will be guided to the right place if there is a sincere desire to find an answer. Who would've guessed being raised by a settler family and inducted into a version of a colonial nightmare that caused cognitive breakdown daily? I have tended to look elsewhere in the world to seek comfort from reality. Yet, my family and country profoundly affect the ongoing violence and the trauma that is part of the structure of colonialism. I was caught up in the delusion and deceived by white spiritual teachers' new age version of the new earth and didn't know this was the exact formula I was reliving to perpetuate oppression and extraction.
Offering gratitude and appreciation for your grace as I decondition my addiction. We are here to explore healing as it happens in the community and through our discomfort with new ideas.
I am an addict, and while I may be free from making choices that destabilize my body, the colonial mind is my current addiction. I see the patterns of disease and chaos as just one other manifestation of the oppressive system I contribute to.
Colonization teaches us binary—this or that thinking.
I am here to combat this cycle for liberation, actively heal my ancestral lineage from the injury caused, and open my eyes to how I cause and perpetuate harm. I do this work for past, present, and, most importantly, future generations. When we see beyond the illusion, that is when we are full of possibilities. There are many paths forward; the first step is acknowledging the weight of this reality.
We can begin doing the work that leads to wholeness beyond individualistic choices. We hold power in every choice we make as we divest from and choose to dismantle these oppressive, exploitive and extractive systems that fundamentally undervalue Earth, human relationships, and essential labour from the start. Moving beyond seeing ecological health unrelated to our health—acknowledging the rich and diverse cultural histories tied to our place here.
Psychedelics can be the catalyst for reconnecting to our body and becoming a healthier, more connected mind. To reconnect by being connected to the truth of who we are, reconcile with ancestors and our lineage, and begin to call upon the Land as a teacher.
Work to unlearn the dominant, capitalistic concepts of self-care based on consumerism and achieving impossible ideals and relearn what it takes to feel whole, strong, centred, aligned, and alive. I know I can be of service to more to heal, then, reparations for harm, and Indigenous land rights. In turn, our ancestors and ourselves re-engage with the land in a very intentional way.
If you're committed to the end goals of peace, justice, and holistic wellbeing, stick around as I continue exploring and challenging myself on what we need to realize a future of true health and wellness for all.
love,
Resources:
1. Over on Instagram, this post gives some backstory to how I discovered healing an addiction required reconciliation with the Land.
2. Please use psychedelics responsibly. If you have mental health issues, please seek a professional. I can only speak to my own psychological and spiritual recovery.
3. The work of Dra. Rocío Rosales Meza is at the intersections of decolonizing, spirituality, and wellness. I am a student of her teachings, healing work, Indigenous worldview, and liberation psychology.
Somewhere along my trip I have read, you must touch your own darkness before you can see your light. You are so brave and this is a beautiful piece of writing. I love you so much. :)
I’m so glad you didn’t decapitate yourself bc then I would have a headless bestie and your brains are one of my favorite things about you. (Not your cooking even tho it is above average).