“I really like your energy,” the customer says. “Can you drive manual?”
It’s the 90s. I’m in my twenties, working at a hipster cafe in Toronto. And a famous musician has just offered me a job. She wants me to be her Girl Friday.
I said yes, jumping at the chance to confirm that I was special, a diamond in the rough with great energy. Thus began the most destructive and confusing career of my life.
Her demands and my willingness to please were a match made in hell. On our North American tour, I’d be called to her hotel room at 2 am to give her massages and deliver her green juice with raw potatoes from every corner of every city. I played the role of makeshift death doula to her dying dog, begging him to stay alive while she practiced Transcendental Meditation in the other room.
Eventually, she broke off from her label to go independent. I hadn’t had a paycheck for weeks, but agreed to loan her my credit card as a “safety net.” I said yes. I was her everything except when I was nothing. She suggested I lose weight with absurd cleanses and detoxes. She’d snort at my Gap clothes and instruct me to buy designer suits for the white lady exec role she expected of me while on tour or in NYC recording studios.
Her grip on my life got tighter as her own got more out of control. The rules got murkier and harder to follow:
"Don't give me chocolate!" she said once, batting her sunken blue eyes. "Unless I ask for chocolate. Then you better fckn give me chocolate." I had no clue if she was serious or joking. This one is just one more of the confusing demands that made my $10/hour life with Famous Canadian Singer. (Can’t stand not knowing who it is? See below for hints!)
I was twenty-three years old, and this was a game I knew well.
I had already spent two decades trying to please the most unpleasant people. Mind games, manipulation, mediocre pay, murky memories and empty promises were the merry-go-round of most of my relationships.
I can blame my bosses, exes, spouse, children, and parents for not treating me as I deserved. Trapped in a hamster wheel of my own making, it recently occurred to me that I was still wrestling with owning myself, my desires, pleasures, needs and wants, lost at the will of others' dissatisfaction, haunted by the inability to stop it for myself or others.
My empty belly had always wanted to be filled with someone else's dream rather than to stop for one freaking second and figure out my own. I got tired of not belonging to me. By omission, the truth is, this is a pattern I'm still wrestling with, but...I am learning to meet my needs and see myself as special.
It was always me; lucky for me, I know what it takes to make more than just lemonade.
Thanks to the many ways I have found my parts repeatedly in pieces, I have also gathered a pantry of life's ingredients.
Now, slowly curating my secret recipe is an exciting, liberating opportunity. Nourished with everyday adventures in exploring my edges, where I can bare it all through pleasure and pain, worthiness and goodness, I claim my lucky day.
Some day, I will sink into being brave enough to share how I have discovered I am a one-of-a-kind, mostly dorky freak. Please join me in finding your secret sauce too.
Trust me; it's more fun than pretending to be normal!
Stay weird,
If you are a Canadian music buff from the 90’s, you may know the answers to these questions and figure out who I speak of:
What Canadian singer-songwriter wrote and performed the song "Calling All Angels" with k.d. lang?
Which artist created the album with Sony Music, "When I Was a Boy," featuring introspective and poetic lyrics? If you were at the release party, me too.
Who is the musician behind the 1987 album featuring songs like "Everything Reminds Me of My Dog"? Same dog as above sadly passed.
Which artist collaborated with Peter Gabriel on the song "The Feeling Begins" for the soundtrack to the film "The Last Temptation of Christ"?
Which singer-songwriter released the album "Maria" in 1995, which explored themes of spirituality and consciousness? And, bonus points if you have a hard copy of this album and see my name in the liner notes.
What female artist contributed the song "It Can't Rain All the Time" to the soundtrack of the 1994 film "The Crow," which starred Brandon Lee in his final role?
Elton John has spoken positively about this musician in interviews and has covered the song "Love is Everything" live.
Didn’t need the hints
Nice read, thank you!