ends with ER

oh my words

Last weekend, I met some online friends IRL. It was a lavish reunion with lots of great exchanges and conversations. It was genuinely refreshing to connect with people that have done their "work" out of high control groups, coercion and cult recovery. These are intelligent, beautiful people and like me, they had put their trust, money, love and energy into fckd up programs and places that promise everything. Together we discovered our good-heartedness is safe with others who know themselves and their limits and allow for individualism.

Like old friends, we got to hang out, hike, eat delicious food, play music and do drugs - all safely and purposefully. We wasted not one single moment encouraging each other to change, only relishing that we had no agenda for any new age dogma, wellness, or personal transformation—the opposite, to be honest. 

The assignment? 

Be alive in our natural state.

Have fun. 

Do drugs. 

Play Wordle, and drink coffee.

Be good humans together.

Because of a small number of really good people in my life, I understand a few new things about myself:

• My weird self gets weirder with friendships filled with undying love. This is real life. 

• I am a pretty good hiker; the trails in Niagara are beautiful this time of year. 

• It feels so fine to be a great dog owner; doodles do that; they make me look like I've got my shit together.

• I am a learner and a competent contributor. School was hard for me; learning in a community with curious, committed people has challenged me and allowed me to see many intelligence angles. 

• Call the thing what it is. I am not a sacred medicine or plant medicine user; that is not my culture. I do drugs for therapeutic and recreational purposes. I do drugs for fun, choosing to be a safe user, and drugs are drugs.

• I have been alcohol and food sober for six years on October 16 and am a chill cat just like that. All of this can coexist.

• I am funnier as I age.

• And I am a wise choice-maker. 

• I now know the extent of unsuccessful friendships. I realize how tired being the caretaker to keep company, especially since that cost me being perpetually lonely. 

• New and renewed relationships are where the past and the future meet. I can catch myself in an old pattern and work out how to be better. I am in friendships with humans willing to admit they are working out their issues, and we can be a listener and learners even when the lessons are painful. My best friend is complicated and courageous. Her heart is infused with curiosity, and she is a loud-talker storyteller - we share a love of words that binds us for life. We get smarter with every one of life's smackdowns. The people I love are what we call in Canada poutine (yes, a beautiful mess).

Recently, I experienced a big epiphany:

I have rarely been safe in relationships. Despite my attempts to be healthy and whole in friendships, I have fallen into predictable cycles. Be careful who you let in; when you teach people what is good, and they choose to ignore it, show them the door. Offering the gifts of your spirit, soul, or kin to people who will hurt you happens through the patterns of all of our relational trauma. People who deny you those gifts show you how they will ruin their remembrance for you. 

That is not respect. 

That is not love.

Know when you are an asshole or when you might be tolerating one. 

Remember who you are. What if it’s you that you are craving?

Stay safe.

 

Resources:

1. If you wonder where online (window) shopping takes me these days. I think about when I can be back on the water in a packable and compact kayak—and it is as easy on the eyes as they are on the water. I'd love your feedback if anyone has kayaking tips or has tried the Oru.

2. Sometimes it’s hard to know if you are the asshole. My favourite place for remembering what good people do for each other (or not) is right here ➡️ AmItheAsshole Reddit is an excellent spot for checking in on your feelings. All for free!!

3. Psychedelics can be rightfully acknowledged as incredible substances and tools for healing– but we shouldn’t act as if they are the exception. Exceptionalism stigmatizes not only these drugs but the individuals that use them. This further perpetuates the war on drug principles by labelling certain drugs and drug users as inherently better. 

4. If any part of this newsletter inspires you to be weird, write yourselves a letter of advice on owning your own wackiness.