You are my Sunshine x 6532

but there's something you should know

Hello Sunshine, 

I used to think that maybe I needed a warning label.

I grow in and out of friendships in a predictable cycle.

It lasts about a decade, then, like a cell phone that loses the signal in a tunnel, a foggy, scratchy, "are you there" "can you hear me?" drifts in. The conversation ends weirdly, and because we knew it was just about over anyway, both parties feel it would be awkward to call back. It would go something like, "Hello, I am not sure why I am calling because I think we're done," and hangs up.

I admit it is not a very satisfying ending. It was well over before the last lousy connection pushed it off the cliff.

Change happens in a ten-year cycle, and our entire body rebuilds itself every seven years. I imagine it takes some severe friendship cultivation to keep anything going beyond a change that took a decade, as the body is becoming a foreigner every year.

I have had precisely seven different bodies according to my age, and the change cycle has happened five times. To me, this is exciting. People in my life got lost in the static. I love the season, revolution, and the body that carried us through. Thank you.

I recently spoke to my therapist about a lost-in-the-tunnel relationship that concluded with multiple question marks. It has been a few years since it ended; I can see now what I didn't know then. It was a forest for trees problem. I couldn't find a clearing for either of us that would be peaceful or satisfying, so I gave up. The beautiful gift of that situation has revealed itself in my inner landscape. It's wild, but I never knew until that moment the only way forward in life was to take care of myself. That concept was the least of my priorities; sadly, taking care of others’ happiness was my only way of surviving. The discovery has offered immense healing. Patterns of behaviour I had operated my entire life unravelled, leaving that friendship in the static of chaos has allowed me to reclaim many lost parts of myself safely. 

I am not a perfect human; it has taken tear-filled heartbreak, and many times I had repeatedly hoped for a better outcome.  

Owning my part gives me tremendous gratitude, especially for the learning I have carried into complex and worthwhile conversations with real gutsy friends. Those that love me and are willing to walk through the messiness. It is such a relief to have loving people that are perfectly accepting of the grit that has gathered in the gutters of my banished heart. 

Through heartache, I have learned a lot about trust and honesty. Friends who speak the truth also want to hear it; they are my heroes. Together, we have found common ground to build a solid foundation. Relationships are tricky. It is not about being lucky. The dear, most beautiful friends I have now, are honest about their limitations in life and can accept my warts and warbles too. It is nice to reflect and remember how far I've come, I like that about me.

I feel that way about you, Dear Reader; we have come a long way. 

I have put you through many of my intimate moments in life, shared the crap out of my story, and you are still here!! Six thousand five hundred thirty-two of you! (Four thousand three hundred seventy-one readers' eyes on last week's newsletter) WHAT!?

You are here, you show up often, and I promise we will not lose touch in the noise.  

You are more than a number on my screen; I want you to know that. When I see your comments, I get goosebumps; when you show up in my inbox, my heart leaps; you smash the heart button, I squeal! Comments are read out loud to my family at the dinner table. Did you see the kind words over here from cult celebrity Janja Lalich!? Your love melts me!

The community you bring is a warm hug and a true desire to see me shine. I am a work in process. Thank you for seeing me through. 

I like that about us.

Sending you a pocket full of Sundays.

Shine on,

The bottom line:

1. Build friendships based on reciprocity.

2. Trust that your relationship can survive turbulence through open and honest communication.

3. Meaningful relationships take work. Being vulnerable with others requires being honest about how you feel and stepping up for the people who will do the same for you. Trust your gut about cutting harmful people from your life.

4. Healthy Relationship is a course that helped me recover from the cycle of abusive friendships.

5. Does your body really replace itself every seven years? Actually, no.