loop-the-loop
when it hurts to become
Hey, I trust 2024 has found you!
Here again, fingers crossed, we landed safely in mid-January, going through the new year loop in a familiar sequence!
After last year of white-knuckling heart-to-heartbreak recovery with the therapy bill nearing $20k, I felt compelled to share some personal insights brewing in and outside of therapy.
CPTSD insights hit deep – tackling anything laced with compulsion or shame has become my new focus for recovery. The good news is that thanks to support (and medication), I've uncovered a deeply rooted trauma bond + addiction.
It's been an intense journey, and the sense of liberation is undeniable.
Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" has been a guiding light. Embracing our human rights cultivates kindness and fairness brought forward some hard lessons and goodness.
Another year of relearning, remembering and reconnecting.
I know.
We are entitled to respect,
the power to say no, and
the freedom to make mistakes.
Rejecting unsolicited advice
and negotiating for change are vital aspects of our well-being.
Changing our minds without guilt and protesting unfair treatment are inherent rights.
We can refuse to bear others' problems (no, thank you)
feel inconsistent,
and indulge in play. (Yes, please)
Complaining and expressing occasional irrationality are part of our human experience. (who doesn't?)
Seeking healthy relationships, asking for support, and venting in moderation are valid and crucial for our growth.
Navigating away from discomfort and aligning with my core values has become my new self-love anthem. I like that about me!
Dr. Betty Martin's "Wheel of Consent" opened my eyes to the complexities of relational trauma. Boundaries in desires and connections started making total sense.
I know who I am and what I want, and I'm proud to have fought for it!
I'm on a mission to maintain stability and consistency. (I know a few people who would love to be right about me and my life - I love and bless you!) I want to celebrate the vulnerabilities that make us human and the complex dance between self-love and compassion for others.
I am still here seeking to unravel the threads of love, pain, and self-discovery because I am alive, and I want peace.
Sharing these personal strides with you feels crucial. I hope today offered a fresh perspective on relationships and profound impact. Even when it is hard, I know we can make a difference.
All that"therapy gold" -
"I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through. Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel.Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don't believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me? And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]? I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you're feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you're feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass. If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds. And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop—but you never would because you'd never want it to stop." - Andrea Gibson