no longer a believer

open to meaningful discussions

Warmth poured through her hands as she massaged the pain out of my body. Tears flowed as I released my judgement, feeling lost, flawed and broken. 

"Wear pink," the RMT softly said. "Pink honours Lady Portia. She will help you." 

Rescued and wrapped in new hope, I went home and immediately typed into the search bar - "Lady Portia."

• assists transformation. 

• a powerful goddess that offers guidance to spiritual advancement.

• known as the 'Goddess of Justice' and the 'Goddess of Opportunity.' 

• her energy focuses on bringing divine justice in places to attain harmony and balance.

I needed all that immediately! My closet transformed. Pink crept in, slowly replacing a wardrobe of black and grey. It felt like Spring - budding inner peace, stability, and harmony. 

Tada!! 

Thank you, Lady Portia, for teaching me to balance love and wisdom, justice and mercy.

~~~~

I spent years believing in ANYTHING that would take me outside of myself. 

Recently, a dear friend and I were killing time before our dinner reservation and discovered the most interesting shop was a sweet, simple crystal store. We browsed the displays of rocks and shiny things with calm curiosity when a memory dropped and yanked my heart to the floor.

I remembered the desperate times, similar to the feeling I had that day when I was introduced to Lady Portia. I poured so much energy into believing that the highest vibration of the exact crystal would mend my fractured mind. It is painful to admit I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I believed. So I became a frantic believer. I was raised on bullshit and lies- ANYTHING better sounding was an adequate enough reason to swap out the script. To invent a new story, move on, meddle with magic, and manifest myself through a self-made manifesto. The psychological equivalent of adding a touch of colour and contemporary furniture to a run-down brain. I was only recklessly embodying positivity and pretending I knew the answers. 

It was only a few years ago I would salivate at the thought of spending buckets of money I didn't have on crystals and self-help books instead of allowing the strength within myself to lovingly strip away the layers of pain.

Over time, my mind has shifted tremendously. I am divesting and patiently relearning to respect and show reverence within myself, others, and the earth.

I want to approach my life and work with genuine curiosity to arrive as close to the truth as possible. This requires an ability to detach, find the courage to go against the current, question my old norms, and challenge made-up truths. 

And I believe that increasing awareness and respectful interactions to make sense of the world, rather than identifying our limitations, is part of resolving the troubling loss of our human power.

I am no longer a believer in all things (which is a much bigger conversation.) I recognize that my work here is a beginning point to what I need to do with the commitment to understanding the history I am directly impacting. I want to take my time, even though I feel the rush of urgency to know the answers.  

I am open to meaningful discussions that can take shape in many ways, addressing the enormity of the problems within these circles and acknowledging the harm perpetuated. Inviting all beliefs to have the humility to learn from people who may disagree.

And, I want to rest, breathe, be playful, tell jokes, be weird, and be a little bit funny. 

Peas,

Resources:

1. Back then, I was also deep in starting an online business. The expert online bro I paid tens of thousands and was committed to learning from needed me to be desperate and in pain to believe I would be successful in the ways of the internet. Learning how to turn my "hope merchant" marketing into a buzz-generating digital product, attracting people in pain who can't afford to lose – and to KEEP them in a broken system and KEEP them and me buying. I failed badly at selling people hope and thought it was me. I didn't know I was creating and caught in a cycle of harm.

2. Sunk-cost fallacy is where a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial. 

3. I had the privilege to meet and spend time sharing stories with Janja Lalich. She is bravely stepping forward with her wisdom by starting a non-profit. If you want to see the beginning of something great in the world of cult recovery at the Lalich Center on Cults and Coercion. Stay tuned; coming soon. 

4. Welcome to the dozens of new subscribers!! I aim to create content that is an invitation to slow down, contemplate, unravel with curiosity, sit with something for a bit, and allow time and space to process. Feel free to interact with different parts of yourself, your life and your state of being. Please comment and let me know how you're doing.