Hey friends,
This email is about relationships. And the complexity of finding our own sense of belonging. I want to provide a relatable and impactful update on my life, delving into the complicatedness of connection, especially when relationships end.
During a recent intake appointment, the doctor I consulted asked if a medical student could be in the room, and I agreed. This doctor specializes in addiction recovery, mainly focusing on relational addictions such as codependency and compulsive behaviours in relationships. My addictive behaviours(I have recovered many!) and my newly discovered dysfunction is rooted in a childhood need for belonging. The emptiness in early attachment has led me to seek approval and acceptance endlessly.
During this meeting, the medical student had a weird habit of saying "mmm" and nodding after I shared traumatic experiences. This simple cue disrupted my broken brain as I tried to decipher the reason behind this strange engagement. It is a small detail, but for someone more accustomed to prioritizing others' needs over mine, it became a confusing, frustrating experience.
The awareness brought me to a new understanding. These complex exchanges are invaluable, especially as I grapple with relationship messiness. I want to share this story, and a heavy weight sits in my heart. I have a history of challenging endings, often shaped by my claiming too much responsibility for emotional labour in relationships. My complicated parts have had few positive experiences addressing conflicts in my quest for belonging and navigating discomfort in these connections.
This situation is freakishly reminiscent of what I have often left undone and have been actively recovering from, mirroring the odd (but helpful) encounter with the med student—the inappropriate and unknowingly harmful demands and control directed at me. I also acknowledge and better understand my role in the fallout of relationships. I've always sought approval and acceptance from leaders, people in authority, and, well, basically everyone in my life, ya know?
I've often overlooked and excused brokenness to feel special. Recognizing that we're all doing our best, I'm committed to unpacking the imprints of my conditioning with newfound strength, recovering with more humility, and building up those relational skills.
I usually know what's best for me, but this doctor's thing is like déjà vu from my past, adding a twist to my ongoing growth. Some recent convos opened my eyes to not-so-cool stuff, but with awesome folks around, I'm figuring out what's good for me.
Thanks for riding this reflective wave with me—it means a lot, slip-sliding my way to more growth and resilience. Yippee!
Taking a moment to recognize my role in relational hiccups not fully acknowledged—I've had a thing for seeking approval and acceptance. Now, I'm on a devoted mission to unpack the imprints of this conditioning with newfound strength, a touch more humility, and better development of essential relational skills.
Our community has been a game-changer, a placeholder to spark significant growth and positive shifts in my life. A heartfelt thank you for being a part of this community and walking alongside me on this bumpy road.
Catch you on the flip side!
What quirks and surprises have you encountered in your recovery through your life journey? Feel free to share!
Are you trying to decode conditioning, boost your humility, and level up those social skills? Got tips?
Please share your hilarious tales or lessons from your own merry-go-round life to story swap. Share your amusing lessons in the comments.