the hulk of my past

more about cPTSD

The past few months have been an intense amount of confusion and pain for me. 

Even though I show up here open and optimistic about the work it takes to be mentally well, I haven't been able to articulate parts of my crushing reality that are present. 

I recognized myself in understanding cPTSD by reading the memoir What the Bones Know by Stephanie Foo.

I want to be frank about a few things. The hulk of my past haunts me.

In my attempt to recover and heal, therapy was like removing the knife without controlling the bleeding. At least I knew the pain of the blade, but the bleeding always took more to contain than the therapy provided. Talking with many therapists in my 20's and 30's, I got good at the stories. 

 In these earlier sessions, nobody mentioned trauma, PTSD, or anything valuable I remember. Especially since those memories were all living in full colour, showing up as horror stories in the brain, the trauma was pain alive in my body. For me, it was unfamiliar treacherous territory to know how to cross that bridge. 

Three times my coping strategy gave up. Calling it a breakdown was accurate. The walls erected to keep me disassociated collapsed. The first time was sometime around 2002. I was prescribed medication and told to stay home from work. It took a few months to recuperate. Trying to get better, the first step was to leave my house. An outer improvement was leaving home without crying or needing to vomit. I couldn't handle public places, so I walked outside, walking swiftly, almost stomping my way along the country roads listening to Alanis Morrisette's - Jagged Little Pill on a cassette walkman, hiding behind a baseball cap and sunglasses. Arms swinging, heart pumping and blood boiling. I was mad as hell that it all caught up to me and made me look weak. I had to leave my job in social work, no longer mentally fit for the role. 

New sensations of feeling emotions caused wreckage. I orchestrated more chaotic moves to ignore what now seemed obvious. I started a new part-time job selling wine. It was the delicious beginning of being sophisticated and medicated while building a new level of avoidance through addiction.

More intensely addicted than I was willing to admit, I developed a sense of hopelessness for many years — that nothing will ever be okay. I felt so profoundly damaged. I saw no hope for anything to get better. This was intensified by my terribly life-impacting choices driven by the symptoms of cPTSD.

In 2017, I took a stab at starting an online business. The expert online bro I paid tens of thousands for and was committed to learning from needed me to be desperate and in pain to believe I would be successful in the ways of the internet. Learning how to turn my "hope merchant" marketing into a buzz-generating digital product, attracting people in pain who can't afford to lose – and to KEEP them in a broken system and KEEP them and me buying. I failed badly at selling people hope and thought it was me. I didn't know I was creating and caught in a cycle of harm.

Toxic shame is a familiar issue survivors of complex trauma bear. Often, the perpetrators of the abuse make the survivor feel they deserved it or were the reason for it. Often survivors are made to feel they don't deserve or are worthy of being treated any better.

I was hooked in and once a part of that belief too. 

Last week I chatted with my new friend Maggie Patterson; we had a casual conversation about dangerous Coaching practices and coercive techniques, manipulation and NLP often used in the online business trap. I also shared that story of 2017, how badly I failed an online launch that cost me $100k and almost ended my marriage. Maggie offered me the empathy, gentleness and compassion required to finally understand myself. 

In Coaching, NXIVM, cults, abusive families and online businesses operating like MLM's, significant shame is occurring – all enabling and perpetrating victim blaming and victim shaming. 

How many people who have failed and blamed themselves may be complex trauma survivors too? Maggie and I paused and counted many - I am certainly not the only one.

Being a trusting, caring, normal person, who is conned and duped by master manipulators, is not about being stupid or weak. Highly educated and professional people, mental health professionals, and ordinary people are manipulated and exploited daily too. Even admiringly, author and podcast host Sarah Steels studies cults– she admits to being duped and conned by the narcissistic, sociopathic abuser in her book Do As I Say.

Working through the trauma feels like untangling yarn. There was satisfaction in the fleeting moments of forgiveness, then the next tug that yanks me back into a knotted mess of terminal aloneness. It took me some full-blown excavating to determine what transpired in my work and losses. With the help of psychedelics, therapy, and new conversations, I now see that these many systematic power structures found me, not because I was weak, bad, or wrong. I take responsibility for showing up eager to succeed at any cost, but I didn't deserve that, and now knowing what I know about cPTSD I could not have stopped it.  

Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is painful. No set timeframe for healing or a shiny badge that says I am complete. The offering of this story of woe is to normalize what otherwise might have felt like a snare trap. I'm aware of how backward that sounds, especially since I am an online Integration Coach. I want this message to help more people move on and not be hit by the snag of shameful situations that requires more undoing. Hit reply if you want to discuss this further, I will send you a link to book a conversation.

Over here working on developing self-compassion, 

These suggestions are provided purely for informative purposes only.

1. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (cPTSD) results from enduring complex trauma. Complex trauma is ongoing or repeated interpersonal or relational trauma. It profoundly changes how survivors view the world, others, and themselves. Complex trauma is still a relatively new field of psychology.

2. Maggie Patterson advocacy work to educate others is admirable. I highly recommend following her on social media platforms for a better understanding of business marketing strategies to avoid and permission to question the bullshit you see online.

3. Dr. Arielle Schwarz - a highly insightful clinical psychologist who specializes in resilience-informed trauma therapy

4. Pete Walker - a survivor and highly insightful therapist instrumental in Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder being recognized and accepted.